This is a list of banned words and phrases for the gym. If you say any of these things, you will be subject to immediate ridicule from me.
Toned – Fat and muscle only get bigger or smaller. All other changes are on the cellular level and not visible. You don’t need to get more toned for summer. You need to get less fat or more muscular or both.
Functional – Since all of our training is based on helping you achieve your goals, everything we do is by definition functional. In fact, most of the exercises billed as “functional” actually aren’t. Standing on a BOSU ball and flailing tiny dumbbells about is not improving the function of any physical capacity that you will ever need in sports or life and is inherently non-functional.
Speed Ladder/Agility Ladder – While we do some ladder drills in many training sessions, it is merely a warmup tool to help get you moving and focused on the tasks ahead. Running fancy footwork patterns through the ladder will not make you faster or more agile. Maybe it will make you a better dancer but not a better athlete. The ladder may also do a good job of displaying or testing certain types of speed or agility but it will do almost nothing to build it. If you want to get faster check this out. If you want to get more agile, start by controlling your deceleration during ground contact, learn to keep your center of mass inside your base of support, control your spinal alignment, improve your rate of force development, and maybe stiffen your tendon compliance, in that order. Simple.
Crossfit – I’m done discussing how stupid it is. I’ve done plenty of stupid things so I probably don’t have much room to talk. As Americans, we have the right to do stuff like this. I’m never going to like Crossfit but I also don’t like water polo, running, the ballet, or dressage and you don’t hear me blathering on about how dumb those things are. So now everyone else can shut up about it too. And I don’t want to hear about the high rate of injury either. I’ve spent my life playing sports that have very high rates of injury. Finally, there are some smart people out their doing it and training others for it. So they’re not all idiots.
Sport Specific – This is almost the same as functional. If you’re an athlete, then everything you do in the gym should have some positive effect on your sport. The exercises and methodology that we program for athletes is much more specific to the individual within the context of their sport than it is specific to the sport itself. At some point, it becomes semantic but I just kind of hate this term.
Beast Mode – It’s over. Your 405 deadlift doesn’t qualify unless you’re a 120lbs 13yo girl. I believe this term originally came from the old school video game Altered Beast. That game was infinitely cooler than you.
These are just a couple off the top of my head. Feel free to leave a suggestion and if it’s good, I’ll add it.